the path to confidence is rage
The path to confidence is rage
Yes, rage. Absolute unbridled rage. The fury of a thousand suns, coming from you, AT someone or something else.
Here’s why.
The reason we lack confidence is because at some point in our lives, we offered ourselves to someone, and were told we were wrong.
YOU were wrong. YOU must hide parts of yourself. YOU are unworthy.
Maybe it was the part who asked a question and got called “stupid”.
Maybe it was the part that endured abuse because you didn’t know you could leave.
Maybe it was the part that shared a creative idea and got shut down.
Maybe it was decades operating in a system that is biased against you because of how you look.
They said we were wrong, and we believed them.
It’s impossible to be confident when you believe part of you is fundamentally unworthy.
Confidence comes from a deep sense of trust of one’s experience. Faith that your reality is the correct one and you aren’t imagining things.
And if we look back at what we were taught when we were taught we were Wrong, we’ll see the Truth:
That you had every right to ask a question because that’s the only way to learn.
That you were a kid and couldn’t escape abuse on your own; of course you behaved the way you did.
That your creativity is a living, organic force that interacts with criticism but doesn’t live or die by it.
That the system you’ve been operating in is broken.
Integrating these Truths—overwriting the programming of Wrong so your confidence can come home—might require you to scream.
And cry and thrash and stomp and (in your mind) point at the person or system that hurt you and scream
FUCK
YOU
HOW COULD YOU
HOW DARE YOU MAKE SOMEONE FEEL THAT WAY
In Fearless Femmes, I recommend people channel this rage in safe ways:
Writing letters they don’t send
Screaming into a pillow
Throwing a tantrum when home alone
Throwing paper towel sheets across the room as hard as they can
When was the last time you expressed rage? How about even mild disappointment? Really taken someone to task for harm they caused?
If you’re like many people socialized as women, the answer might be “never”.
Get mad. Be the champion you needed. Move through the rage and hold onto the fact that YOU WERE RIGHT.
Promise to never doubt yourself again.
And remember—living well is the best revenge.